[Music]

this is parenting for the everyday a

podcast dedicated to meeting parents in

the trenches of Parenthood we explore

how our faith fits into our parenting

with the help of our guests we are

seeking practical tips on how the gospel

can speak into our day-to-day parenting

from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we

want to talk about it all this is

parenting for the every day I'm Holly D

Andrew and I'm Becca Alvarez and today

we are talking about

puberty pre-teens tween like how do we

get ready and disclaimer spoiler alert

I'm not the guest because I feel like

I'm living and I still don't know what

I'm doing so you still don't have an

expert we had to call someone else in um

we are joined by Whitney height Meer mom

to four um three are which are in this

stage would you maybe almost all four I

mean we're right in the thick of it in

the thick yeah we're in the thick I mean

my old some are coming out the other end

well I don't think you ever maybe let's

not use that verbage Feels Like H why I

am not the expert on this podcast I've

got my 16-year-old girl so she's like on

the other end of it but still in it yeah

and then 14-year-old boy he is in it

like man voice and the whole thing um

you know shaving the mustache all the

things for thatd I can't their legs get

really H we're getting ahead of

ourselves you're getting and then um I

do have a

12-year-old Mr fly and then I've got my

10-year-old who you're right on the cusp

again we're going to keep him as 10 10

as long as

possible um so I'm excited I'm excited

to talk about things that we can do to

prepare our hearts our homes and

everything as we kind of go into this

awkward stage for them but also maybe a

little bit for us it's a little awkward

for us sometimes so let's dive into it

let's do it so Whitney what are some of

the biggest challenges that parents face

during the pre-teen Years first two

things that come to mind body odor and

mood swings because they come in Fast

and they're both

pungent Pleasant yes and we're talk and

I'm talking like body odor the kind of

body odor that you roll down your

windows and are gagging like and it

comes out of nowhere one year like one

day they're like roses and all nice and

cuddly and smell like dirt and grass and

the next day it's literally like compost

and rotten leaves and I mean it's that

bad and it comes on quick so talking to

your 9-year-old 10-year-old about hey I

think it's time that we think about

deodorant is actually a really big deal

but those two things are are happening

because of what because in reality

there's some big changes happening so

boys actually you always think about

mood swings and hormones with girls but

nine years old boys can start really

changing hormonally and you're going to

start seeing mood swings that come out

of nowhere and so just being ready for

that as a parent is really important

having that discernment and

understanding of why all of a sudden

your 9-year-old is going from 0 to 60 in

like two seconds and understanding what

is happening they're like really

changing right now um and so what's that

look like communication is going to look

different your time is going to look a

lot different and your understanding of

these kids that you used to know when

they were five and and cuddly it's

they're they're different children right

now so the way you communicate with them

is so different than the way you would

have communicated with your 5-year-old

the way you have time with them is so

different than the way you would have

had time with your you know three and

four-year-old you had a lot of time in

the car and car seats you had them

strapped in they weren't going anywhere

they can't get out you had so much more

time leisurely time with your Littles

when they start into that 8 n 10 11 12

year old age range your time gets more

and more fleeting and I'm just telling

you like I was not prepared for the

tornado that happened when I had all of

a sudden two teenagers and at that time

a nine or 11 and a 9-year-old like the

last year or two time was gone and I

wasn't prepared for that as a mom as

much as I thought I was um because you

when they're little you're you're going

all the time but you're with them and

when they get a little bigger you're

going all the time but you're not with

them yeah you're dropping them off and

all of a sudden this little kid who used

to communicate with you um and you know

yap yap yap yap yap is quiet is a little

bit more subdued um gets a little bit

more

irritated um and just understanding how

they communicate and understanding that

you have to be intentional with your

time so when you're in the car

maybe the radio is off and you're having

conversation and you're just asking them

about their day ask ask ask lots of

questions so I would think the major

biggest challenges going back to your

original question obviously body order

and mood swings but those are indicators

that the bigger things are happening

that you're going to need to start

taking time for

communication time period intentional

time and just understanding that this

child is new they really all of a sudden

they're saying hi Mom from upstairs it

it happens overnight it happens I mean

you know it happens overnight and um

just taking that time to understand that

so how do we prep for all of it I mean

we can talk about the physical stuff and

then also even like this communication

thing like how are we preparing

ourselves or maybe a better question is

how are we responding as it changes so I

you know one thing you said is being

intentional with the time you have um I

have found that you know when we're in

the car I might ask a question and I get

no answers and then you know I'm in bed

turning the lights out and then he's

like let me tell you about this thing

that happened at school today like

really and you're exhausted right now is

the time we're going to talk about it

perect so yeah just how do we kind of

prepare our hearts and our minds to take

advantage of those situations to be

looking for them I don't know I think

it's just being aware is the one thing

when you start to see those changes is

being aware that you need to be more

intentional and the fact that he says

okay now I want to tell you about my day

at school and it's 10:00 at night or

9:30 whatever time it is you say okay

let's sit down say okay you do say okay

no and also knowing like understanding

your child like I have um I did just

predisclosure I did speak with all my

children so they do know that I'm

speaking about them today and they're

comfortable with it and they understand

um but my daughter um she will tell me

everything however

the real stuff like deep down hard stuff

she'll hold on to it for about two weeks

and you can just tell in the demeanor

that there's something more and so it's

just understanding your kids like I know

I'm going to have to give her some space

and then there's going to be that moment

when I tuck her in at night which I

implore parents too keep tucking your

kids in at night I mean keep them little

keep them kids as long as possible

because they're 18 and you're never

going to have that chance chance to tuck

them in again but those are those

moments where I know like okay I need to

give her space there's something more

here and I'm going to give her a couple

weeks just keep asking the questions

every night and then one night when I

say hey how's everything really going at

school or how's everything really going

with so and so then it just bubbles up

but understanding each of your kids

having patience whereas I have my other

child literally a 6-hour car ride no

joke silence all we did was listen to

his favorite kind of music but I gave

him free reign and I knew we needed that

quality time 6

hours no talking it was just listening

to Classic Rock oh man but the cool

thing about that is because I spent that

quality time with him and just let him

be I wasn't

like pestering him with questions and

you know digging digging digging one

because I knew him and I God has taught

me what kind of child and human being

he's growing into I let be we had fun

and now I can ask those questions when I

have that quality time because I've

earned as a safe space and some trust

does that make sense oh yeah no that's

good good and like my other one I know

like talking about change and just

communication

is the other change that happens is your

5-year-old will come up and cuddle with

you and want those hugs and all of a

sudden they're 12 11 13 however old they

are and you know they they don't quite

want those hugs anymore but when I sit

one-on-one with him and watch a show

he's right on top of me and so it's

making those moments happen and letting

go of the little first grader that used

to like come up and run and grab your

knees letting go of that being thankful

for it but knowing you have something

new to nourish and to

cultivate man it seems like too some of

those things especially if you're not

necessarily prepared for for them it

would be so easy to take it personally

to feel like uh that you did or didn't

do or you know and what I'm hearing you

say is that it's all the changes going

on inside of them and it's more

important as the parent to not take it

personally and to just give them the

space and try to relearn who they are um

which feels like it could be such a

challenge if it's from one day to the

next a whole different child it is yeah

and that's why you need to give yourself

Grace too because I total another

disclosure I have not done this

perfectly and I will say my daughter has

the most amazing guinea pig um because I

didn't always give her space I would

pester her and until I finally realized

she is just shutting down even more so

let's let's rework and let's like we've

had those conversations like Kendra what

really works for you and sometimes she's

very honest and lets me know and

sometimes she doesn't but knowing that

like you're going to mess up and it is

going to be different from day to day

and not taking it personally like great

example is just this fast week my

youngest who is my cuddle bug like all

the time once his one of his major love

language is definitely physical touch he

yearns for it big loss on the football

field afterwards he just looked at me

and you could see the crocodile tears

and I could tell he wanted me to hug him

but when I went to hug him he like

shoved me off and it was one of those

moments where oh it hurt my mama's heart

and you do I took it personally but then

it again this is my fourth so I've

learned through my other ones like okay

take a moment he's with all of his

friends he's 10 years old now and he

doesn't want this hug so like it was

funny cuz he would come in for the hug

again and then like back off and so then

I just started like hitting his shoulder

pads and like we just got into wrestling

and then it kind of got into something

else he still don't want my hug but yeah

he still yearned for it he still is that

little boy who wants that hug but he is

growing up to a point where I got to be

a man and I'm not going to cry about

this mom so don't hug me but it was so

hard not to take a personal but it's

just

understanding the environment

too I think it's also hard not to take

those mood swings personal you know you

talk about that as like more of like a

um I don't know sad emotional moment but

then you've got ones where all of a

sudden it's like you are acting crazy

you can't talk to anybody like this you

know um and that kind of you know what

set you off and who knows and so how do

you kind of prepare or even respond in

that moment I would imagine at least for

me there are many times I have to go

back and apologize cuz you know I am

like oh I responded the same way that

you are acting I see I see what's

happening here this is this is not good

so kind of walk us through how do we

prepare for mood swings or those big

emotions and I'm so glad that you

mentioned that it's not just for girls

cuz I actually no one told me that and

my oldest as a boy and so I was very

caught off by like we that we still had

such strong emotions and so yeah how do

you prepare how do you walk through that

season you throw something right back at

them great wrote that

down check mark yeah but no really like

there are those moments where the anger

is so hot and so quick that our own

human reaction is so hot and so quick

too and so you hit it on the head when

you said there are times when you do

have to go back and ask forgiveness but

that's the key like you will mess up you

will get angry and frustrated CU you're

not going to understand in the moment

where the anger and the frustration came

from but the beauty is is going back and

having that communication with the

child creates an understanding and a

safe space like those are the rhythms in

your home that start to create safe

spaces and understanding um so when that

0 to 60 happens again you're like little

off the handles let's take a moment why

don't you go upstairs mom's going to go

outside we'll reconvene in five minutes

yeah and but you wouldn't be able to do

that unless you've created that that

rhythm of safe and reliability yeah yeah

when you mentioned too that time is

fleeting at this point once you're

getting to kind of 9 10 11 12 they're

spending a lot more time at school

they're spending a lot more time with

coaches they're spending a lot more time

with friends and so how do you balance

this is a twofold question one how do

you balance the new sought-after

independence of pre-teens and then with

that Independence comes peer pressure so

how do you kind of keep track of that

and Empower your kids to be resilient

against that um and then I guess also

how do you create a graceful space for

when they mess up they mess up or when

they're hurt right no that's a good

question um again it comes back to those

safe reliable rhythms in your home where

you've created a safe space but your

kids like let's take it back a second

they are 9 10 11 let's go more to the 11

12 13 they are yearning for that next

step of Independence their minds are

already I mean my my 14-year-old

researches cars all the time so they are

yearning for that Independence um they

are yearning for you know that next cool

pair of shoes those things that they are

wanting to do themselves and so how do

we create that within boundaries oh my

goodness um that's difficult just

because you know you you want to create

safe space but you also want them

a space a safe space for them to be able

to mess up um where it doesn't create

too many consequences how do you do that

well that's a good question

um one thing we've done with our kids as

far as Independence goes is we try to

say is yes yes as much as possible um

and know the least amount of time but

what does that yes mean that yes means

that at home you are taking

responsibility you know they have it's

fun to create chores when they're little

when they're older make the chores big

you know my kids took they were they did

all of our yard work our all summer we

did none of it like I didn't I literally

did shears for the first time like a

week ago it was wonderful but because of

that Independence or that uh

responsibility that they had they had

the independence to they had a set

amount of money they could spend on

whatever they wanted um like that new

pair of shoes so it's creating that

Independence but then again like you

said The Independents they not only have

new coaches but they have more friends

they're around their friends more often

um

have the friends over at your house as

much as you can get to know their

friends and have those conversations

about what type of people you want in

your life like are these friends making

you a better person are they helping you

make good decisions and if they're not

why um are you helping your friends

making better to make good decisions

have those conversations ask the right

questions um but they are yearning for

that next step so trying to say yes as

much as possible is so important um but

with within boundaries and don't be

stupid I mean social media technology

like there is time for that and there's

time to say no um also goes back to your

child like know your child um my

daughter is 16 years old she got her

first phone when she was 15 um so we're

slowly getting into that I'm not saying

that's the answer for every parent or

every child the situations are different

it just worked out really well for our

family um to do that and like she just

has her first social media which is be

real it's very for the most part safe

but just be aware like my kids know that

if they have any type of device I'm

checking it like it's I'm not hiding it

from them like I literally told my

daughter yesterday like hey I checked

your text just want let you know is

there anything that you know we want to

talk about not that she had anything to

talk about but just be transparent like

let them know you're there um let them

know you are checking up on them but

it's still there and it's still their

independence um yeah but don't be stupid

like there are great things to do as a

parent you know there's great technology

but in the room at

night there's things that you just need

to have really good boundaries on that

um you know sometimes we get lacks on

because we're

tired so how as we're having all these

conversations and emotional changes and

physical changes and new Independence

how do we keep pointing them to Jesus as

they are really these are fored years

for their identity and it's kind of um

the first time it's being questioned and

so how do we capitalize on the time we

have with them to point them to Jesus

like what are what are some ways that we

can be intentional with that I would say

the first thing is what are you doing as

a parent like what are you modeling in

the home with your own time with the

Lord like what are they seeing you doing

I remember one of the best advice um

pieces of advice I got when my kids were

little was have your Bible open on the

table and they know when mommy's Bible's

open that that's 5 minutes that they

can't interrupt um and if they do okay

but they know like that's important to

Mom and that needs to continue so what

are like if you're doing quiet time

every morning at 5: in the morning and

they're not up maybe try doing it at 700

for those first five minutes they're up

so they see you in the word like what

are you doing how are you modeling Jesus

in their lives and regarding pointing

them back to the to the word um he's in

all your conversations you know

literally talking about puberty with my

son and the way a man's body works and

the way God created it to um make life

and how their thoughts are important and

how that re makes certain areas of their

body react certain ways like making that

like it was out of his mouth my son's

mouth said oh my gosh it's really cool

that God created me that way that

depends on what I see and what I take in

I I'll I'll feel certain ways so making

him a part of the that conversation is

really really important but I say more

than anything you know you can tell your

kids to journal you can tell them to

read their Bibles but more than anything

they need to see the parents modeling it

um that's really how you point them back

to

Jesus you kind of just brought this up

but how do you have those conversations

those topics about puberty about

relationships about all of that how you

begin that groundwork in conversation

with your kids oh so two things just one

happened two nights ago we're literally

washing dishes and um my one son and I

were talking about a show that he's

watching on his own this is one

something he's doing on his own um so

that is an independent thing um because

usually you know only with mom or dad or

but this is something he's watching on

his own his own time if he gets his

homework done he's taking responsibility

and something that he can do um and we

were talking about like are there times

in the show where you have to bounce

your eyes or are there things that you

have to watch for and they we literally

like washing dishes and our whole

conversation was about how as a boy you

have you struggle with having to bounce

your eyes and he was thankful that this

show was none of that and how it's so

often not the case and so so often he

doesn't get to watch a lot of shows

because that's not often the case um so

having those conversations um but also

the relationship shs that's the thing

like you have those little crushes like

when they're in kindergarten or first

grade and then all of a sudden like 9 10

11 12

16 things get like the feelings get

bigger the feelings get so much bigger

and there was one time specifically

where he one of my sons sat across from

me at the dinner table again taking the

time being intentional about time and

realizing this is a moment I'm going to

sit I'm not going to get up and clean

after dinner and he sat there with I

mean we're talking like bucket size

crocodile tears and shared how his best

friend liked the girl he liked and she

liked him back and she told them all at

recess and how badly it hurt him and I

think one thing to do that's so

important as a parent is to just listen

and so often especially with that and

even even with like puberty and stuff

like things they struggle with in their

thoughts you just want to fix it you

want to fix it and be like oh that's

just you know normal and usually it is

but you just want to fix things but

often times they just need to talk and

so just sitting there and listening and

hearing him just pour out his heart and

I'm thinking oh I I'm dying inside as a

mom like he was so heartbroken but then

like asking him so not only listening

but then asking him how it made him feel

like asking my daughter like you know

whatever it you know whatever ever crush

or friend she has going on relationship

wise like how are they making you feel

um you know what do you think your

motive is and pursuing them asking those

kind of questions and understanding like

where the hurt comes from is so helpful

so I would say taking the time to listen

and taking the time to ask good

questions and not trying to fix it um I

think that's really

important yeah it is so important and I

always have to remind myself because my

my nature is to to fix it or to oh my

goodness you know to want to solve the

problem and that you're going to lose

the space cuz all of a sudden that's not

a safe space anymore because they're not

looking for that so I think that's super

good wisdom

um do you have any like other like

resources or tips and tricks I know the

other night we were texting about like

vid Angel and different things like do

you have any of those other practical

things that can help prepare us um for

that dance with Independence and still

being a kid that doing cuz you want to

keep them young as much as possible um

but again like I said they're ready for

that next stage and as a parent it's

kind of fun like oh we can you know

watch Ghostbusters together but oh

Ghostbusters little bit a little bit

more uh can I say the word sexy it it is

this is so this is what happen sex

thought I wanted to watch Ghostbusters

and so I had Whitney had said like a

while ago she had told me about this

program and so I was like okay I looked

up the reviews and it was like too much

stuff in Ghostbusters that I was like I

am not comfortable with all of this it's

actually really sexy it is um and so

yeah tell like yeah tell them yeah like

vid Angel is a subscription um we got on

to it probably like five or six years

ago and basically you can almost not all

movies and shows are on it but quite a

few are and you can also request if

there's something you really want to

watch um and it it can screen or um

filter out things that you don't want

your kids to be seeing like literally

and I hope this is okay to share but the

first Top Gun like we are my husband and

I are Top Gun nerds like I could quote

the entire first movie absolutely love

it and we were so excited to watch it

with our kids this is right before top

gun Maverick came out and I'm like oh we

cannot watch that with our children but

through vid Angel we could watch the

entire movie and the one scene that we

needed taken out they like literally

take the entire scene out so it doesn't

even seem like it was ever there and it

didn't affect the storyline much at all

you can take language out so that was a

way for us to experience something older

with our kids um give them a little bit

more Independence in something you know

their friends may be watching or culture

may be watching and then be able to

enjoy which tofun Maverick is a great

movie through and through well and I

liked it cuz like you said it's not that

awkward like oh where's Thermo let me

fast forward it's really like oh it's

like you don't even know that was in

there and the story is still the same

story is still the same I thought that

was cool and we used to have when when

the kids were little we used to have

code words um because remember that

little song be careful little eyes what

you see like that's real and that

continues I mean now my husband and I I

mean what we're been married 20 years we

still have to watch and be careful with

our little I see and so don't take that

for granted either all of a sudden oh

you know they see it all everywhere no

in your home make it a place that this

is important and so we used to have this

code word when they were little we used

to say Ellen and they knew to cover up

their eyes and we would say crackers

when they could uncover their eyes and

so establishing I would like to know

more about where the originated well

Ellen is a middle name in our family and

crackers they came up with I let them

choose crackers cute yeah but those are

those things that establishing those

rhythms where they know okay home is a

safe place but we can still have fun and

there's a reason why like why do we do

these things always point it back to who

we are and who we are loving and Who We

Are are honoring you have talked a lot

about um the differences that happen as

you're moving into the preaching years

and it seems like some of those is a

natural push away from Mom and Dad in

that push away how can parents best

support your pretin mental health and

well-being when maybe you're not the

person that they want to go to go to um

have other adults in their lives and if

you are a member of this church have

your kids involved in the kids ministry

it is huge um to have other adults that

they can go and talk to whether that be

other moms or dads of their friends or

maybe more you know High School College

age kids those are the people that are

going to they're going to hear from that

they necessar they they will say the

same say say the same thing you say but

they're going to hear it from them

better um so have those people pouring

into your kids lives and maybe it's

Grandma and Grandpa um my son will soak

up anything his grandpa says um so have

those people placed in your kids' lives

um be aware that you need to give them

space yourselves as their parent

um and just you know just cultivate

those relationships as much as you can

um with other people it's so important I

will

say talking about pointing to Jesus and

having right people in your kids' lives

um let their faith become their faith

the coolest thing is

parents God's got the job of grabbing

their

hearts I don't we just have to cultivate

a space for him to be seen and for him

to flourish like that there's freedom in

that like it's not my job it's his and

the beauty of that like two of my four

kids have now been baptized and it was

people from the kids ministry here that

came alongside them and helped them you

know get closer to the Lord it wasn't me

asking them hey when you going to get

baptized when you get baptized no

surrender those things cultivate a good

environment and let

go when this has been awesome I I feel

like you did such a great job of taking

a scary season while acknowledging the

scariness but giving us a little bit of

uh equip equipment equip what's the word

equipping us great deodorant is

important to kind of walk through and be

prepared to enter That season and um

just to be able to instead of look at it

as a scary season to be able to find the

joy in that the way that your kids are

growing and how God has them um from one

season to the next and you can enjoy the

teenagers you really can they're

beautiful so thank you friends it's

really been a gift thanks for having me

thanks Whitney this has been parenting

for the everyday tune in next

time

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