[Music]

this is parenting for the everyday a

podcast dedicated to meeting parents in

the trenches of Parenthood we explore

how our faith fits into our parenting

with the help of our guests we are

seeking practical tips on how the gospel

can speak into our day-to-day parenting

from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we

want to talk about it all this is

parenting for the everyday day I'm Becca

alfarez and I'm holiday krew and I am so

excited about this episode today we are

actually talking about generational

parenting gaps um and we have in the

studio my lovely and wonderful mother

mom will you introduce

yourself sure I am Karen coffee I'm

actually married to Joe coffee we have

three adult children and six

grandchildren and this episode really

came out of a very funny Instagram video

that I sent my mom that just talked

about all the different things that are

different about Millennial parents and

baby boomer parents and although the

video itself was super super funny there

were so many relatable things in it that

made us think about it and be like oh my

gosh we should actually have this on a

podcast because although there can be

some really funny differences there can

also be some differences that uh can

create chasms between relationship and

even hurt feelings and so feeling like

um I am a relatively new mother I have a

three-year-old and a one-year-old and

something that I've always appreciated

about my mom as I went through a lot of

new things and trying out new strategies

is that she was so supportive and worked

hard to understand my perspective

instead of just telling me how things

should go and imparting imposing her

mothering on me she let me do it on my

own and try to understand

the reasons I was doing things which I

really appreciated so let's dive on in

know I need all these notes so that when

I become a grandma I can I can do it

right so Karen I'm taking notes I'm

taking notes on come naturally Holly

okay Mom what do you think are the

biggest differences in parenting

approaches between our generation and

your

generation yeah that's a great question

and I'm just I'm so honored to be here I

um as I said I think in another podcast

I love being a mom and I love being a

grandmother and I love the way those two

work together and part of my heart I

think is to make sure that those two

worlds continue to work together so some

of the things that um I have recognized

that are so different of course

everybody knows social media is

different when I had the my three kids

um we we literally brought Jeremy home

in like a Moses basket and put the seat

belt over it so equipment he is real

sturdy and so equipment is number one is

so different the sound machines the the

blankets the

bags I always call her weighted sack a

bag um what are some of the oh cameras

holy smokes cameras everywhere we had

none of things and and weren't even

required to have a car seat so for me um

it's completely different also social

media for you guys is kind of your um

your teacher if you will for me it was

my group of friends so if my group of

friends Ed cloth diapers then I use

cloth diapers which I did if you know

really she sure did holy smokes so glad

they they don't do that anymore I was

going to say did you recommend no okay

hard pass no no hard pass yeah so so

many differences and I guess that's what

where my heart was just to um talk about

this because I think this is your time

to be moms and this is your culture and

as an a boomer as you said um I want to

learn from you and I want to share maybe

what I have but I want to learn from you

and and allow you to have the

opportunities I had as a mother and

something that we talked about Mom just

kind of in preparation for this episode

is that although social media is our

tool it it gives us a lot of different

kind of tools in that toolbox but in on

the other side of things you can always

see something that someone's doing

differently and make you really insecure

as a mom too and so it's like everything

it needs to be in a balance of how

you're learning and and who you're

looking at and comparing and all of that

uh something that I thought of in this

question of a big difference is I often

think about my mom when I'm nursing

which kind of sounds weird but whenever

I'm nursing my son I always have my

phone because holy cow I would be so

bored if I didn't and something that I

realize one of the times is that when I

do put it down and I just focus on him

and I focus on his head and his face and

his features I feel so much more

connected and I always think about my

mom cuz I feel like she was such a good

mom at being connected with us and so

intentional and she was always just

there you know so present she wasn't

distracted and one of the things about

my generation is that we have constant

distractions you know we have handheld

distractions we have distractions

mounted on our walls we have

distractions with people and so there

there are times that I have to be really

intentional to not be a distracted

parent and that would be an aspect of

a baby boomer parent that I am envious

of is that you were so good at not being

distracted um so the first time um I had

had the Twins and uh Jimmy and I were

going away and they were like six months

old and I was going to leave them with

my parents for the weekend the Twins and

cam all three of them for the first time

and I came with uh a really long list of

how to take care of the children and

bags of things

that they would need to take care of the

children and my dad was like I had three

kids and I didn't need any of this I got

this you know you can go I was like what

what what how are you how are you going

to how are they going to sleep without

this blanket this exact blanket you know

um and I'm thankful my my parents have

do a a great job of doing it the way

that I've asked them to do it but yeah

just this there is totally a gap of of

hey we did it this way we don't need all

the ways that you did it and they turned

out just fine and that could like in

some cases probably cause some tension

um what do you think that older gener is

it okay if I say older Generations is

that the right word the the boomer

generation wise the wiser generation

Boomer Boomer okay what are some

misconceptions or thoughts that maybe

the boomer generation would have about

more modern parenting styles that maybe

are true or not true but let's kind of

talk through some of them yeah that's a

great great question I think you know

probably what you said we did it you you

guys are healthy why not do it our way

fine right yeah but um I think that it's

that it's so important to recognize that

every generation has their own specific

needs and way of doing things and like

the allergies and the you know the

different creams and everything that you

use I think our life

simpler and and plus if you just clear

away all this stuff this is your time to

be a parent and and I don't want to live

vicariously through your parenting

because I I did my parenting and now my

job as a grandparent or continuing to be

a parent is to support you and make you

feel like you that I have your back and

I think sometimes there can be a little

bit of a competition or like you said

even um her feelings maybe well I didn't

do that you you know or I had structured

bedtime or I did this or I did that and

it almost needs to be a conversation we

say yes and I'm grateful for that but

this is what my husband and I have

chosen to do yeah because the notion of

saying we're doing it different means

your way wasn't good enough exactly

exactly and of course our way was right

obvious course obvious of course but I

think being open to say say you know

what things have changed and there's so

much more knowledge out there and of

course I'm I think I'm unique and that I

really like to learn and I'm always

looking for answers to things and and

Becca's been great about we've had a

couple little things that I've just

asked her questions about and she's been

good about saying yeah this is why we're

doing that and you know my other kids

made other choices and I I just like

learning the differences

and would you say those questions offend

you back no but mostly in the way that

she does them so I would say something

that caught me off guard as a new mom is

how insecure I was I thought because I

was a babysitter I always worked with

kids like I thought I was going to come

into motherhood with like this

confidence of I know what I'm doing I

brought that baby home from the hospital

and was terrified and felt like every

choice I was making wasn't the right

choice cuz there was another one

somewhere on social media that they were

making a different choice and so I had a

lot of insecurity and my mom was really

good at supporting the choices that I

did make um so it gave me more and more

confidence and so by the time we got to

one of the things that she's talking

about is I something that worked for my

kids was baby Le weaning which is a

little bit of a

newer way of doing things and so I

always gave my kids Whole Foods they

maybe had like a handful of purees but

that's about it something about baby Le

weaning is there's quite a bit of

gagging in it involved in a lot of

choking mostly because it teaches them

how to use their gag reflex so it's

supposed to be a part of it but it is

alarming for people that aren't prepared

for it and so that is something that my

mom was so good about is being very

alarmed about the situation but asking

like hey hey so so are we okay I can

picture it right ezekiel's joking and

you're like hey so like he's making

noises we're fine getting in there but

she was so good at at trying to learn

and and looking at the books that I had

and knowing that I think really

understanding like the foundation of our

concern is the same we both care about

these children we just have different

ways of going about it it wasn't out of

negligence it was out of

really wanting them to have the correct

tools um and so I think always having

that Foundation has been really helpful

so it has opened up more questions on

both sides the other thing that is so

helpful is I can handle a situation with

my child and feel really really really

secure about then asking my mom like how

would you have done that differently I

want to learn from you because I admire

you and I admire the way that you

parented and so having kind of a

two-lane road with that of knowing when

I want to ask questions and she's really

good at not just imposing advice when

I'm not asking questions yeah I think

that's really important to be able to

say hey how would you do this and for

you to maybe wait to be asked is that

what you're saying like you would wait

you wouldn't just be like okay I saw you

do this this is how I would do it right

yes different um so one of the things

back that you mentioned at the beginning

was the fact that maybe the way that the

boomer generation parented had left

distractions um what are some other

things and like values and lessons that

we because we don't want to just

discount oh we're doing everything

different there's nothing there what are

some other things that maybe we could

pull or that you even say like hey

here's something that I feel like I did

really well that we could pull into like

modern parenting yeah that's a great

question um I want to give a little plug

for our huddle for grandparents at the

church um that has been a great resource

and it's a great way for grandparents to

get together because even as you guys

are parenting for the first time we're

grandparenting for the first time you

know and so it it has to be like you

said I I love that two-way street where

um everybody's learning and we have to

be patient and open with each other I

think um one of the things that was

really big in our generation us Boomers

was um etiquette oh so um and I I come

with

representatives of other grandmas that

would like to see more manners than the

children so we when I grew up like my

parents didn't send us um to Etiquette

School or or Charm School but a lot of

my friends went and you go you dress up

you learn how to set a table you learn

what all the forks are and above all you

say please and thank you oh yeah and in

you know just looking at it oh yeah

please and thank you but I think what it

teaches is is um respect I think it

teaches that there's more to my life or

or um I owe someone else for the things

that I have and I'm I'm not entitled to

that so it's a simple thing please and

thank you but I think it teaches uh a

depth to the kids and um so that's one

of I I think one of the things that it's

not lost but I don't think it is as

strong it's not as emphasized right as I

think it used to be yeah yeah that's a

good one I think I would say but I think

I would say respect in general true

that's like I feel like something that

is maybe not a priority for like more

modern parenting where it was um like

when my parents were parenting and some

of that is lost you know in the way that

kids respond to to adults and Authority

in situations so I think that's another

one yeah and it even even just that goes

into something maybe a little bit deeper

as far as um sometimes boomers are no

are more stereotyped to kind of rule

with an iron fist you know that what

they say goes and that's going to be

their punishment style and their

parenting style and a lot of millennial

parents almost went the exact opposite

and went to very like I validate your

feelings I want to be gentle with you

and when you you need a balance you know

we are always talking about balance on

this podcast but I think that you really

need a balance in this case because when

you go all gentle and all soft and what

what your voice matters and your choice

matters and although that could be true

it can be true within structure of

respect and I think that's where we're

struggling to find um kind of that

middle that middle ground yeah um so I I

feel like part of the reason that

parenting has changed or that life

changes is because we learn more you

were saying that earlier and so mental

health has been something that we have

learned a lot more and we are still

learning about that maybe um in the time

of the the Boomer parenting that wasn't

as much I don't want to say it was a

priority I just I just think people

didn't know like about it and so how

would you say like that mental health

plays a role in parenting today like how

would you say it differs from how you

did it um into how you're doing it back

like let's talk through that big

one that is a big one that is a big one

well first of all I think that you were

probably unique in the sense that mental

health has always been so important to

you because that is like you've also had

a heart for that so if we do more of

just the stere The Stereotype of a

boomer parent or even your parents right

right cuz then that would be a big

difference between the next generation

up and our generation yeah I think um if

yeah if I could speak to that I would

say probably when I grew up it you know

stop crying or you know I'll give you

something to cry about or um you just

kind of dealt with your you didn't know

your emotions were valid or

valuable um you just kind of dealt with

whatever was going on and um I think now

we know how damaging that is and how

important it is to teach children it's

okay to have emotions this is what your

emotions looks like look like and um

this is how you handle anger this is how

you handle handle sadness um and and go

specifically to those things um but I

think In the Heat of the Moment it's

hard to um think about all those things

you know all at once and and the anger

or

the the Panic or what whatever you're

dealing with it's it's kind of easier to

go the easy way and try to plate that

and not deal with mental health

pieace yeah and I think that the caution

towards kind of the millennial parenting

style

is although it doesn't look the same as

the children should be seen and not

heard it's almost like now the exact

opposite of like you should have the

loudest children there because it means

they have a really good attachment and

and I think there's probably some truth

in there maybe but there H but you have

to figure out how to validate emotion

while also providing an appropriate

response you can't just go to all

validation and let the emotions run wild

because no one's actually learning the

coping then and you can't shut down the

emotion and not give any coping and so

it's again kind of trying to find the

the in between of being able to stay in

an uncomfortable moment with your child

not just plate to them and let them get

whatever they want because they're

throwing a big fit but also being able

to validate and then give a tool of how

they can calm down or how they can

best feel this emotion and express it in

a way that doesn't mean they're falling

apart in Target and now you're just

throwing chocolate cake at them so that

they so that they're quiet that feels

like it would work for me so it is

complicated though because another thing

is you don't want to label them or you

don't want to make excuses you know oh

they're they're anxious yes they're an

anxious child yeah they they don't

handle this well so we need to do

something quickly um because then again

what we're trying to do is teach and

strengthen and learn um how to use those

coping skills and I think as parents

there's that delicate line

of letting them do it on their own and

and kind of helping along and

grandparents it's even more delicate

well is so that was going to be my next

question um like in speaking to

grandparents or even relationships with

grandparents when you have grandparents

who are active caregivers um but who are

not able to um I don't know quite be as

gracious to to styles of parenting that

were different from what they've known

that can cause some tension um how would

you suggest kind of navigating that

situation great great question yeah I

think the first thing I would do is um

not do it in the moment you remember

that with teenagers you know you don't

want to call them out in the moment but

wait till things have caled down and I

think that's true too if if we had done

something and um Beck was upset about it

I would um want her to tell me and Joe

um but I would maybe not in the middle

of a family gathering or maybe when the

kids were around but find a time and say

hey we want to talk to you about

something but on the flip side um

sometimes we as Boomers have um I don't

know maybe input or something

concerns and I think the first thing I

would do if if I had a concern again not

say anything in the midst of of family

gathering I I personally would talk to

Joe because he helps me think through

emotional things and and see whether I

was seeing it as I was or he always just

has a really um good perspective and he

understands me well so I would run it by

him and then um I think I would do the

same and saying hey I I I haven't come

to the best plan for this but I think I

would maybe depending on the issue talk

to our bio first and then bring the

in-law in if if need be um but just say

hey we just wanted to talk to you about

something now um there are

situations that um maybe we would feel

stronger about and uh one way I thought

about um prior to getting together today

was to think about whether it's a

principle or a preference that's that's

actually just what I was going to ask

you I was like how do you pick cuz it

can't be everything you disagree with no

no no

and as a family you guys get to decide

what your values are what you know how

you want to live what but um as as

parents who have lived a little bit

longer there are some guiding principles

and of course the Bible would be my my

number one principal maker but is it is

it is their behavior healthy physically

spiritually

emotionally

socially would be some principles that I

would perhaps be willing to take a risk

and talk about if I felt like something

unhealthy was

happening yeah or being

taught yeah I mean I think that that

that is such a tricky it's a tricky

situation it's a tricky topic because

you're trying to preserve your

relationship with your child and also

preserve their relationship with their

child so there's there's yeah and

there's a waterfall kind of effect there

um but I think being so sensitive and

again going back to that Foundation the

foundation of it all is that we all care

about these children you know and we all

want the best for them and it's so easy

to take things personally I think as the

mother mother or the grandparent mother

or father or the grandparent and I think

we have to take ourselves out of it and

know that it's not necessarily a

personal attack it

is it is a concern or it is advice and

try for both sides to be more flexible

about about receiving it yeah I really

like that verse in um third John it's

verse four I think that says I have no

Greater Joy than my my children um

follow the truth and I think that's the

heart of the issue is is the principal

going to lead them into a way where

where they will know the truth yeah and

if they let their kids choke as they eat

on the way you know that's okay that's

okay I yeah I did struggle you know we

had one of those little Grinders and we

would just grind whatever we were having

and so and to her credit Ezekiel would

not eat until she did this so I I

validate that I think it was the right

thing but holy smokes there were times

where I went is he okay it's okay okay

tell me about this what's the background

of the you know but but see we can talk

about it and she can help me understand

and she understands my worried heart and

I also I do want to take a minute just

right there because because of our

relationship and the foundation of our

relationship we have the ability to have

that I think it is much more difficult

if you don't have that relationship to

impose advice especially on a new parent

um it's very difficult to take that well

because it feels like because it doesn't

feel like you have the caring Foundation

of you know who I am you know my

heart and so you I know this is just

coming from a Caring Place I think when

it

is something coming from someone that

maybe doesn't have that same Foundation

it can be very very difficult to take

yeah guys this has been it's been so fun

hanging out with you guys and getting a

little Glimpse and to your relationship

and how it works and um I think it's

really cool to see the way that you have

loved Becca and the kids um I feel like

that has given you freedom to kind of

find your own as a mother um but then

also feel fully loved and fully

supported so and I think just made me

such a better mother I think that

grandparents role is so important and it

just

enriches children's lives and I think if

you can have that in your life it can be

an amazing thing but it takes movement

from the grandparent and the

parent to bridge that Gap M well said

Karen thanks for thanks for coming on

and chatting with us and kind of

breaking down some of these uh

generational

differences that we have yeah that's

what we use so this has been parenting

for the everyday tune in next time

[Music]